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09 May 2008 @ 03:32 pm
A friend is exploring the boundaries of consent, ie the grey areas, sexual encounters where consent was ambivalent. She's looking for people's experiences. Read more here.
 dudi killimengrikillimengri on May 21st, 2008 04:21 pm (UTC)
Does that include marital rape? Especially if the man regards it as his god-given right. Or am I too late?
a very caring potato: hugmollydot on May 21st, 2008 04:52 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure. I suppose it would, as some people wouldn't think it clear cut. Or people who do, have diametrically opposed views. I, and I'm pretty sure my friend, would consider it non consensual, with the marital status being irrelevant.

Not too late. I imagine this will be going on for a good while.
at least 10% Discocuntbiascut on May 31st, 2008 04:49 pm (UTC)
Hi, I'm the friend mollydot referred to, so I hope you don't mind me answering the question!

I can't really answer this without using potentially triggers - please do feel free not to read any further if this is the kind of conversation that can still be really difficult for you.

You're definitely not too late (I'm not setting a deadline because I want people to contribute whenever, but the very earliest I'm likely to have anything substantial written is probably the end of September, and there would still be room for editing after that).

To answer the main part of your question, I think yes, it could definitely include marital rape, because what I'm looking for is examples of why people consent (or, more importantly, appear to consent) when they don't want to have sex, and what kind of pressures can at work other than violence or the fear of violence.

I guess it's how you see it, really: feeling like you have no ability to refuse or that it would be too detrimental to the marriage to refuse would definitely be part of that. But if you felt at the time that it was clearcut, that this was a violent assault and that there was nothing that you could have said or done to have stopped him, then I guess it wouldn't be what I'm talking about.

So, it's really your call. And lastly, I know sympathy from randomites on the internet is probably kind of superfluous and irrelevant to your life, but ugh, that's a horrible thing to happen and I'm sorry. :(
 dudi killimengrikillimengri on May 31st, 2008 08:43 pm (UTC)
I am disabled, so can't really fight back & with (at the time) 3 childer in the house & a husband that regarded sex as his god-given right from his wife, avoiding sex with him wasn't easy. I don't know if she knew what she was doing, but my youngest tried to sleep qwith me nearly every night "to protect my mummy from my daddy" ~ her words. She was just 5 when he was arrested for violence towards us all. He told me that if I didn't consent to sex I had no right to eat "his" food, so I stopped (eating the food that he bought). Then it was if I wanted the childer to eat "his" food.... I refused to go out for meals with him as he would want "payment" for that & for any time I might have enjoyed myself, regardless of the fact that the pleasure came from the company of other people, including a woman he referred to as his mistress in a conversation with a third party.

I was his wife & as such I had consented to sex whenever he wanted it from the moment I signed the register.

Is that the sort of thing you were looking for? I've had other men expecting sex because they helped me, even if on occasion that help was unasked for & unwanted (in that case, he even did damage to my property in supposedly helping me & stole my dogs temporarily because I'd said NO).

I now share my bed with a dog (well several, but 1 male dog in particular) who thinks that he's my boyfriend. It's wonderful ~ a warm hairy body cuddling me & yes, he does cuddle, but NO SEX!

There were other circunstances, but I feel happier talking about the marital rape at the moment. My 7th child was conceived by rape & lost through rape. (I have 3 childer who made it to their birthings & lost the others, including my eldest's twin.)

Sorry, mollydot ~ I've hi-jacked your blog
a very caring potato: hugmollydot on May 31st, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
Sorry, mollydot ~ I've hi-jacked your blog

Not a problem at all. In case you're not aware though, this is a public post. I can lock it if you like.

I'm sorry for all you've been through.
 dudi killimengrikillimengri on May 31st, 2008 09:22 pm (UTC)
That's why I'll only talk about the marital rape here, but thanks for your concern & sensitivity. The only person I don't want reading this at the moment is Annon & I can take care that she doesn't see it. I make no secret of the fact that I suffered every kind of abuse from s
at least 10% Discocuntbiascut on June 1st, 2008 12:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this. Do you might if I count this as a submission, and then I'll contact you at your LJ email address if I want to use it? (I'm only looking for fairly basic outlines of around 300 words, not long, fully-thought-out pieces, so this is exactly the sort of thing.)

And I'm glad your current bed companion treats you so much better!
 dudi killimengri: Phoenixkillimengri on June 1st, 2008 03:52 pm (UTC)
Please go ahead & use it, but my email addy is killimengri@gmail.com, so use that to contact me. I think it's a subject that needs to be brought out into the open. A male friend of mine was raped by his wife, so it happens that way round too.

What worries me, now, though is that he has a new woman & his violence towards partners has escalated over the years ~ he tried to kill me... I live in another country now, but he may turn up at his mother's funeral (I will try to get there for it, after all she suffered at his hands & lost 2 DILs because of his behaviour & he hasn't had anything to do with her for 7 years & rarely before that) & possibly at my eldest's wedding, though the last thing she wants is his presence. bem has decided to invite her various fencing & sabre teams to her wedding, fully armed, just in case!